finally.....

Firstly, I apoligise that this first post is so long.

Well.. today we found out that we are going to be parents... again :) I have a son who is 10.. and we have a little fur baby who is only a few months old.

This whole TTC thing has been a very very hard road for us.. we started ttc after our wedding in May 08.. and were lucky enough to fall preg straight away.. to unfortunately lose our precious honeymoon baby. We had what they call a missed miscarriage.. so that means that the baby isn't developing - but my body didn't recognise that it wasn't viable so didn't miscarry naturally... instead, I had to go in for surgery and have a d&c.

We next fell preg in Dec 08.. a nice early christmas surprise... only to lose our much wanted "Hope" in Jan 09.

We have had testing done to find out why this keeps happening.. and, it turns out... there is no good reason for it really. Only one little maybe.

Since our m/c in January we have been ttc in secret. I have done something I hate doing... telling lies.. to keep the pressure off of us as much as we could. Because, there was enough pressure just from us then having people asking how we were going and if we were preg yet.. now, we know they would mean the best.. but.. for us, with everything we had already been through.. it was just too much to handle. So we made the decision to continue ttc but to tell everyone we were having a break.. and for the most part, people believed us. :)

So, it has been 9 long months since we started trying again.. and finally... finally this morning, when I got up a 6am and pulled a test from the windowsill in the toilet.. hidden, where nobody could see my secret stash.. and I did what I had done sooooo many times... and placed the cap on the test and put it on the ground in front of me... and there I saw it, straight away.. two beautiful lines... "finally" I said out loud... although the only person there to hear it was me.. but I think I needed to hear it as much as I needed to say it :)

I immediately felt pure relief that those lines had come up.. and then fear.. scared that it may happen again... then excitement... what if it doesn't! This is what we have been waiting for.. another chance! I am happy.