Fear

Since finding out we were pregnant again there has been fear.. fear that things wouldn't work out. Fear of miscarriage... fear of having to mourn another loss. But up until this point, even with that fear there, I feel as though I have been able to stay very "zen" about it all. I mean, its only been a week and 3 days.. but in that week and 3 days I have been calm, collected and positive. Hoping for the best - after all, this pregnancy has been soooo different to my last 2..

Well, today I had a little bit of spotting. My heart sank. My positive attitude is a lot less then it was before that. Im not as calm.. im not as collected and im definitley not feeling zen.

I had bloods done a week ago and I didn't even feel it necessary to hunt my dr down for results.. I felt no urgency at all. I had another lot done this morning.. and then, I felt good too! but now.. now i want to stalk the pathology lab.. the dr's.. anyone.. I want to stalk them til they can give me my numbers and tell me all is ok. (even though I know its not a guarantee)

I haven't had any more spotting and I truely honestly hope that I dont get any more. I hope that that tiny bit of spotting is the most dramatic thing that happens to me throughout this pregnancy.