Fear

Fear is pretty much what is controlling my life at the moment.. which has surprised me. I had been quite calm about the pregnancy thus far and I had been thinking that once we got past 8 weeks I would somehow feel better.. feel a bit more like this is "real" and going to be successful.. but I have found that since we hit 8wks "officially" on Thursday I am just so full of fear. And this fear is making me very nervous and on edge, 2 things that I didn't want to be. I just wanted to enjoy each and every day of this pregnancy for what it was and hope for the best.

I was thinking about it last night and this morning and trying to work out what it is that has me worried - you know, beside the obvious fear of miscarriage again.

I realised that every time we get a positive result - be it scan or blood results or dr's thinking positively - I try to find negatives.. actually, thats not accurate - its not that I'm wanting to find negatives, I just can't seem to help it.

The latest thing i'm worried about is my progesterone levels. My progesterone levels have gone done since my original blood test of 110. I can't really find much information on progesterone and the only thing I know is if its above 30 then its ok. But not knowing if it dropping is a good or bad thing has put me on edge. My levels were up above 60 but that is a big difference to the 110 that it was early on.

I also worry because I'm starting to picture this pregnancy further along. I can picture a baby belly and I can imagine feeling little baby kicks. This is the first pregnancy (other then my sons) that I have allowed myself to picture what it will be like a little further down the track. I'm so scared that I'm setting myself up for a big fall. I'm so worried that all will not be ok - and I so desperately want to carry this baby to term and meet it in the outside world. I want to hold it and love it and watch my son be its big brother and my husband be its daddy.

So.. for now.. fear is ruling my world and I so don't want it to. I want love and hope to fill my world instead. Hopefully, I will get there soon.